As I was washing the dishes this morning, my thoughts drifted back to a time nearly a decade ago when doing routine daily tasks caused me to want to vomit. Doing mundane things day in and day out made me “retch” with disdain. I felt my life held very little meaning.
At the time I was a stay at home mom, what I thought was going to be my dream life. But this life of repetition was killing me inside. I didn’t understand why, I thought this was what I wanted, to stay home and raise my children. My pride would not let me admit that I had been wrong.
Of course, that’s the view from a decade later.
Back then, I was spinning and not understanding the breadth of the situation. Many days I just wanted to scream, and some days I did. Then one day in the dead of winter on my 40 acre ranch, I ran out of the house (my two little ones securely asleep in their beds) up to the pasture and plopped down on the hillside. With tears streaming down my face I let out a scream to God, the Universe and all the realms of existence. I couldn’t take another moment of what my life had become.
I was empty, and this lengthy reverberant scream echoed back to me. It sounded like death. I let go and cried deeply and intensely. I allowed everything within me to pour forth as one immense emotional purge. Emotionally I heaved my excruciatingly mundane existence that day by wailing, sobbing and making guttural cries to the heavens and earth. … Then I stood up, and with all the strength left in me, shouted at the top of my lungs, “TAKE THIS FROM ME NOW!” I bellowed it thunderously with all the energy I had left.
With tears still flowing and exhaustion now setting in, I fell to the ground and curled up in a ball. I felt the warmth of the tears turning icy, the speed of my heart moving from racing to a much slower rhythm. Thankfully I was emptying all the angst, disappointment, lack of love, and so much more. I realized my choice was crushing my soul and that I felt trapped.
How do I get out of this? was the question. At the time a friend had turned me on to ‘The Secret’. I watched the video and started reading Catherine Ponder’s Books on prosperity. I learned that when attracting things into your life you have to have the attitude of gratitude.
There were many country roads where I lived and I routinely walked them in the wee hours of the morning, so I began reciting mantras, prayers and affirmations during my walks. I begged the powers that be to pull me from the dark place I had sunk to. To make matters worse, my husband was pulling away, withdrawing and detaching energetically from our relationship. Even worse, I was clueless about it.
Time’s passing has helped me see the picture much more clearly. Looking back I see that I ignored the signs because I loved him. Today I still love him, although our marriage has long ended. My love for him has changed from a marital love to a friendship love. I have peace now, and understand that my soul knew was happening long before I consciously knew. The scream was a powerful healing expression that ignited the change that needed to take place, and I am ever grateful for that experience.